The second night
of the Democratic debates ended just moments ago,
and we are coming to you live from New York,
ladies and gentlemen! -(cheering, applause)
-From Comedy Central’s World News Headquarters! That’s right,
we are completely live. I can prove it.
This is how I can prove it. You see?
It’s a newspaper. Anyway… Here we are– night two
of the Democratic debates. And there has been so much
excitement around these debates. Basically everybody
has been watching them, and I mean everybody. Hey, Twitter world,
it’s me, yours truly, sitting at my house,
waiting to watch this debate. To hear a bunch of people
who think they’re capable of running our country.
It should be interesting, ’cause, to be honest, I-I don’t
know most of these guys. But I’m interested to hear
what they have to say, and I think every American
should be watching this. So I guess we got
about 38 minutes to go, so, won’t be long now. Take care. Oh, man.
(laughs) Dude, O.J. kills me. AUDIENCE:
Oh! Allegedly. Allegedly. ’Cause I love how…
I love how he just tries to act like he’s a completely normal
guy, right? Because he’s not a normal guy. He’s one of the greatest
running backs of all time. What are you doing?
No, but seriously, though, I found this video
super suspicious. Right? Part of me thinks
O.J. was just doing this to try and set up an alibi,
you know? It’s like, “Mr. Simpson,
we found six dead bodies in your front yard.”
“It couldn’t have been me. “You saw my Twitter post.
I was watching the debates. I saw myself.” And O.J. doesn’t realize
how much power he has, right? Because if he really wanted
to screw a candidate over, you realize all he’d have to do
is endorse them. Yeah? He could just be like,
“I wouldn’t be where I was today “without my brother Cory Booker.
Everything I’ve done was because of you, Cory.” “No!” Now, we don’t know what O.J.
thought of the debates, but we do know
what President Trump thought of them
last night, because he tweeted his
one-word takeaway: “Boring!” And, I mean, yeah,
let’s be honest– everyone is boring,
right, compared to him. Yeah, he’s the craziest dude
on the planet. Asking Trump to weigh in
on normal politicians is like asking heroin
what it thinks of coffee, okay? But he’s not…
and he’s not totally wrong. He’s not totally wrong. Last
night’s debate was fairly civil. And when tonight’s
debate started, it looked like it was
gonna be more of the same. It even began the same. It was the same telenovela
that we started last night. I want to say hello
and good evening, bueno noches to, uh, Mayor, uh, Buttigieg. (Buttigieg and Diaz-Balart
speaking Spanish) Ooh, Mayor Pete
with the Spanish. Ay! You know Beto O’Rourke
was at home going, “Ay, dios mio, these
gringos are stealing my swag.” And I bet wherever Trump was,
he was like, “Can we deport the Democrats?” So it started off the same.
As for the topics, again, it seemed like it was
gonna be more of the same. For instance, on taxes, the Democrats were pretty much
on the same page. We can make massive cuts
in the $1.6 trillion in tax loopholes out there.
And I would be going about eliminating Donald Trump’s
tax cuts for the wealthy. On day one I will repeal
that tax bill that benefits the top one percent and the
biggest corporations in America. Will you raise taxes
for the middle class in a Sanders administration? Yes, they will
pay more in taxes. Wow. Yeah. Bernie just said he’s gonna
raise taxes on the middle class. At a debate.
That’s not a popular opinion. And that’s why I keep
giving props to Bernie Sanders. He keeps it real. Right? A lot of politicians,
like, they would lie. They’d be like,
“Oh, no, I wo…” And then they would raise it.
But he gives it to you straight, which is great for a politician.
Horrible for a doctor. Can you imagine Bernie–
he’d just come out and be like, “Your grandpa’s not gonna make
it. The cancer’s got his balls. “You might as well
say bye-bye right now. “Bye-bye. It’s over.” And just like yesterday,
everyone was waiting to see if the unknowns would shock us
with something that they said. But it turned out today
the unknowns were shocked when they got a chance to speak. -Senator Bennet,
-(cheering) you have said, “It’s possible
to write policy proposals “that have no basis in reality. You might as well
call them candy.” Were you referring
to any candidate or proposal in particular
when you said that? -Was that directed to me?
-Yes, that was your quote. Oh, thank you.
That sounded like me. -Thank you. I appreciate it.
-It was you. (laughs) -Oh, that was so adorable.
-(laughter) No, because, like,
he’s genuinely shocked that they said his name.
He was like, “Was that for me? Was that…? (guffaws)” ’Cause that’s the first time
this has happened the whole campaign.
You realize that? Yeah, he’s like,
“Wait, you guys can see me? -“You guys…?
-(laughter) I thought this whole time I was
Bernie’s imaginary friend.” Now, one of the big topics
tonight was health care. And the Democrats are aligned but they have a range
of opinions. It went all the way from
Medicare for all, right, with no private insurance to whatever Marianne Williamson
was talking about. Where tens of millions of people
are prepared to stand up and tell the insurance companies
and the drug companies that their day is gone, that health care
is a human right, not something to make huge
profits off of. I’m against any Democrat who
opposes, takes down Obamacare and any Republican who wants
to get rid of Obamacare. HOLT:
Let me-let me turn to… We have to have
a health care guarantee, if you’re sick, you’re seen, and in America, you never
go broke because of it. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s really nice that we’ve got
all these plans, but if you think we’re going
to beat Donald Trump by just having all these plans, you got another thing coming. Because he didn’t win
by saying he had a plan. He won by simply saying,
“Make America great again.” Uh… what? (laughter) That’s a pretty bold move
for a candidate to say, “I’m anti-plan, okay?” Like her vibe, I was just
waiting for, at some point, to be like, “We don’t need
a plan, my friends. “Just give me one vial
of CBD oil and our chakras
will be aligned.” (applause, cheering) So at this point,
night two seemed fairly chilled but it didn’t take long
for people to remember that this is a race. Because we’ll stop the greed
of the insurance companies -and the drug companies.
-(overlapping talking) -On this issue we have
to think about -One at a time. -how this affects real people.
-(overlapping) -Senator. -Cures for all. And today…
-And the reality… …a $5,000 deductible when
they walk through those doors. Senator, Senator Harris,
thank you. That’s what insurance companies
are doing -in America today.
-(overlapping) GUTHRIE: We’re going
to continue this discussion. I wanted to put it in… -(overlapping talking)
-Candidates, please. Candidates, please. -(overlapping talking)
-As part of… As part of Joe’s generation… As part of Joe’s generation–
let me respond… -Before we move on from…
-The issue, if I may say… -Before we move on from
education. -is not generational. -DIAZ-BALART: Please, please.
-The issue is not generational. WILLIAMSON: We forgive you for
your young and immature comment. The issue is who has the guts
to take on Wall Street… Bernie! Who is dumb enough to engage
with Bernie in a shouting match? (laughter) You realize there were
ten people on stage shouting, and the moderators,
and he outshouts them all. Yeah, he’s like, “That’s right. And just wait until
I turn on my mike.” (laughter) So, things were really starting
to heat up. But the action of the night, the thing everybody is going
to be talking about really started when Eric
Swalwell took the first shot at frontrunner Sleepy Joe. I was six years old
when a presidential candidate came to the California
Democratic Convention and said it’s time
to pass the torch to a new generation
of Americans. That candidate
was then Senator Joe Biden. Joe Biden was right when he said
it was time to pass the torch to a new generation
of Americans 32 years ago. He’s still right today. If we’re going to solve
the issues of automation, pass the torch. If we’re going to solve
the issues climate chaos, pass the torch. If we’re going to solve
the issue of student loan debt, pass the torch. If we’re going
to end gun violence for families who are fearful
of sending their kids to school, pass the torch. Vice President, would you like
to sing a torch song? -I would.
-(laughter) I’m still holding on
to that torch. That’s right, Biden is not
letting go of that torch. Even though that torch
is really uncomfortable and told Biden that it does not
like the way that he’s holding onto it, he’s holding on to that torch. Oh, and just by the way, it was really funny ’cause
Swalwell tried to use the same torch line on Bernie
later in the debate which totally failed, right, ’cause it’s not going to work
on Bernie the same way. How you going to tell him
to let go of the torch, when he invented fire. It is not the same thing. (applause and cheering) Now, I don’t know
if it was Swalwell, but the sharks could just
smell blood in the water. All I know is,
Biden had a target on his back. And the way it started, didn’t
even come from him, right? It didn’t come from him,
it didn’t come from Swalwell. No. Marianne Williamson–
she was endorsing reparations. She was talking about race,
and Kamala Harris was like, “Uh, the the rest of you need
to sit your asses down.” (applause and cheering) I do not believe…
I do not believe that the average American
is a racist. But the average American
is woefully undereducated about the history of race
in the United States. -(overlapping chatter) -Vice
President Biden, I’m gonna… We’re gonna get to you.
Hang on. We’re gonna get… HARRIS: As the only black person
on this stage, -I… I-I… -…I would like
to speak on the issue of race. -Wow! Wow!
-(applause and cheering) Yeah! MAN:
Yeah! You know, people always
accuse black people of playing the race card,
but that was the right time to use the race card, yeah. And by the way,
for those asking, the race card is
a real card, yes. I had one, too,
but I used it already to get a free Jamba Juice. Like, we have it
for different reasons. So the issue of race had now
been brought up at the debates. And you might remember
Biden had some problems with that last week
when he seemed to be pro the relationships
with segregationists and talking about
how they were good people. So now
that Kamala had the floor, she was gonna wipe it
with Biden. I’m going to now direct this
at Vice President Biden. Um, I do not believe
you are a racist. And I agree with you
when you commit yourself -to the importance of
finding common ground. -Mm-hmm. But I also believe, and it’s personal,
and I was actually very… It was hurtful to hear you talk
about the reputations of two United State senators who built their reputations and career on the segregation
of race in this country. And it was not only that, but you also worked with them to oppose busing. And you know, there was
a little girl in California who was part of the second class to integrate her public schools, and she was bused
to school every day. And that little girl was me. Holy shit! (laughter, applause,
cheering, whooping) She just pulled
an M. Night Shyamalan. (laughter) She was black the whole movie! (laughter, applause) I didn’t see that coming.
Did you see that coming? That moment was so brutal
on Joe Biden, for the first time
I wanted to give him a massage. (laughter) And it didn’t get any better
from there. Do you agree today that you were wrong to oppose
busing in America then? -No…
-Do you agree? I did not oppose busing
in America. What I opposed is busing ordered
by the Department of Education. That’s what I opposed. -I did not oppose…
-Well, there was a failure -of-of states to integrate…
-No, but… …public schools in America.
I was part of the second class to integrate
Berkeley, California public schools
almost two decades after
Brown v. Board of Education. Because your city council
made that decision. -It was a local decision.
-So that’s where the federal government
must step in. -Now, the federal government…
-That’s why we have the Voting Rights Act
and the Civil Rights Act. That’s why we need
to pass the Equality Act. That’s why we need
to pass the ERA, because -That’s what…
-…there are moments in history where states fail to preserve
the civil rights of all people. I have support… Isn’t this the part
where someone’s supposed to throw in a towel?
Isn’t that how this works? Yo, because, at this point, Kamala was busing Biden
right out of the debate. -(laughter)
-She was killing it. Everything she said made sense. She was connecting
with the crowd. She had ’em. And Biden, like, he…
he seemed like he was angry, he wasn’t looking at her,
he wasn’t connecting. I didn’t even know if he was,
like, messed up in his mind. All I know is… all I know is
Biden wasn’t having a good time. Seriously, Biden hasn’t had
such an intense standoff with a black woman
since Michelle caught him sneaking a Big Mac to Barack. This hasn’t happened to him
in a long time. And that moment there
with Kamala– that’s why you have
to love black women. -Yeah. You have to love them.
-(cheering, whooping, applause) You think
they’ve forgotten what you did. (laughter) And out nowhere,
they will spring that shit. My mom would do that shit to me
all the time. She’d be like,
“Trevor, you remember that food -you stole in 1991?”
-I’d be like, “No, Mommy!” (laughter, applause) And you could tell
Biden was pissed. You could tell
that he was shook. You could tell… that this had become
Kamala Harris’s night. Because Joe Biden did something that no one on that debate stage
has ever done: he cut himself off. I’m the guy that extended the
Voting Rights Act for 25 years. We got to the place
where we got 98 out of 98 votes in the United States Senate
doing it. I’ve also argued very strongly
that we, in fact, deal with the notion of denying
people access to the ballot box. I agreed that
everybody wants to, in fact… Anyway, my time’s up. I’m sorry. MODERATOR:
Thank you, Vice President. Yeah. After Kamala did, uh,
what she did to you tonight, Joe Biden, uh,
your time might be up. -We’ll be right back.
-(audience groans) (cheering)