Trippitorial – Religion In Politics – March 9, 2012

I am tired of seeing religion in politics
and I’m not too crazy about it in churches. Ever since our money was converted to God
in the 1950’s, I haven’t trusted in the government and I never really trusted in money.
During the 1950’s a new translation of E Pluribus Unum was apparently adopted by the
brave politicians of that time: “Out of many Gods, one,” a Christian God. I wasn’t
alive in the 1950’s, but thanks to a prohibition on birth control, it wasn’t long before
I would be. Shortly after I was born a prohibition ensued in my family, but that’s another
story, and one I don’t take personally. Up until the 1950’s, America had managed
to keep religion out of the national motto. Although, “George Washington, Son of God.”
Was rejected by John Adams in favor of “his Majesty the President,” which I wasn’t
too crazy about, but that’s another story. Apparently, during the 1950’s, the founding
fathers were born again, not unlike the way dead victims of the Holocaust were reborn
as “Latter Day Saints.” I was born again. Now my mother really hates me.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Jesus. Why, when I was a boy, I had one of those Jesus Christ
plush toys, you know, the kind that sticks to the inside of your car window with suction
cups. One thing the field of Republicans can agree
on is that they all love Jesus and they love him more than Obama loves Jesus, and he may
be a Muslim anyway. But while they’re all worshipping Jesus, they’re all worshipping
a different Jesus. Newt Gingrich is worshipping the “Sick,
heal thyself Jesus.” This is a Jesus you don’t hear a lot about.
Rick Santorum is worshipping the Calvin and Hobbes Jesus. Rick talks to Jesus and Jesus
talks back. “I’m over here Rick. No, I’m over here. I’m over here. Jesus is everywhere!”
Mitt Romney’s Jesus was born in America. He was the first and greatest American.
Ron Paul’s Jesus is an expletive when he thinks about the other candidates in the GOP
race. They’re all worshipping different Gods too.
I have to wonder about Rick Santorum’s God. What God would want Rick Santorum to worship
him? Not me. That guy is not all there. I think the doctor dropped Rick Santorum on
his head during his circumcision. I don’t know what God Newt is following,
but he seems to be having fun. I’ll bet it’s Bacchus. “Lovey, I think I’ll have
another glass of wine.” Mitt is following a bunch of different Gods,
or one God who changes his mind a lot. I don’t know if Ron Paul has a God, but
chances are if he does, his God would eliminate religion from the federal government. I don’t
think he would trust it on our money. I don’t think he trusts our money either—well, it’s
the Federal Reserve’s money. Let’s face it. And I don’t trust them.

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