The Austrian Government Collapsed and Nobody Noticed… (Ibiza Affair)


So anyway, Ibiza happened… So congratulations, Austria! You
finally did something
interesting. You just bought youraself 6
months of “No one cares about
Hitler jokes!” It’s so adorable to watch
Austrians get excited about
this, like: “Have you heard!? The government’s colluding with
Russia to control the media!” Welcome to America, baby! This is just Tuesday! It took us 2 years to find out
about this scandal, Trump would have done it in a
tweet. No even DMs, he would have @
mentioned everyone involved. And don’t get me wrong, things
are bad right now in Austria But I sympathize, because I’m
from the States And it’s not … good. It’s not great. We are in
desperate times. It’s not the America you know
from watching “Friends,” Where the biggest problem is
“Why does Smelly Cat smell this
way?” Going to the States expecting
Hollywood’s version of America is like expecting the World Cup
and getting Eurovision Song
Contest. It’s so bad. We were so
desperate: We honestly thought Donald Trump
could save us. Do you understand? That’s like if you’re dreowning
in the ocean… And you just take a shit hoping
it will make you float. Laugh all you want, it’s your turn, Austria! For anyone who doesn’t know the
scandal… I assume you do if you’re here,
but if you don’t know what
happened Some FPÖ politicians got
together to try to buy the
Kronen Zeitung to publish their far-right
propaganda. Which is a stupid plan because
it’s the Kronen Zeitung They were already publishing
far-right propaganda! You didn’t have to buy them out
… You could have just asked
politely. If you want to change minds, buy
a publication that young people are actually
reading. Like an IKEA catalog. Put some free meatballs in the
voting booth and you will have every
student’s vote. Now everywhere I go, I keep
hearing people sing: [singing] “Whoa! We are going to
Ibiza!” I don’t get it… I didn’t even know it was a
song. I didn’t know about the
Vengaboys. We just had “Boom Boom Boom” in
the States And that was too much, we all
agreed on it! That’s why no one’s been
listening to them, But now we have to because it’s
a “protest song” What are you talking about? It’s a song about Spain, by a
band from the Netherlands But right now, it’s the Austrian
national anthem! What happened that this is the
voice of a revelution? Kichy 90’s Europop… At this point, if the FPÖ wants
to get back in the game… If they want to recover from
this, there’s only one way the FPÖ can prove that the Blue
Party is cool with the kids: Hire Eiffel 65 for a reunion
tour! [singing] I’m Blue, if I were
Green I would die! Forget
Ibiza… It’s ridiculous! [laughter and applause] Thank you. If you haven’t watched the
video, check it out. First off, it’s so cool,
because: A group of old, rich, white men
got drunk for 6 hours And no one said the N-word… Impressive! And no, the N-word ISN’T Nazi But they didn’t say that either. Double impressive! And we’ve talked about the
clothes they were wearing… It’s going to be said a lot
tonight, but it blew my mind. I expected them to be wearing
suits when I watched the video But they’re wearing jeans and a
T-shirt… So I don’t even think it should
count. How can you expect them to act
like heroes when they’re not
wearing the costumes? If Spider-Man comes up to you in
a hoodie and pajama pants you’re not taking that
seriously! If Iron Man came to save the day and he was dressed like Mark
Zuckerberg, I’d be like: “Go home, Tony! I’ll handle
Thanos myself!” The suit makes the man! If I were wearing a suit right
now, you would almost believe that I know what I’m talking
about. Because when they’re wearing
suits, whether you like them or
not They command respect! That’s Vice-Chancellor
Heinz-Christian Strache and Johann Gudenus, the
chairperson of the Austrian
Freedom Party! Ooo, respect! But in jeans and a T-shirt,
that’s just Hank and Joey … Two guys who clearly never
studied Russian! They both had to resign for what
was said in that discussion on
those tapes We can all agree that Strache
said some pretty horrible
things, but… I do not believe Gudenus speaks
Russian well enough to have said anything illegal. There’s no way! He handled that conversation
like a game of Charades! Okay, two words … first word
… [pow!} Also you’re a politician and you
don’t know the Russian word for
“Gun?” Step your game up! You couldn’t hire a real
translator for this? You just let Joey slam 2 vodka
Red Bulls, like: “Bro! I can TOTALLY speak
Russian!” Cool, man! You can be the
translator! “Shit … Yeah, yeah! Hit me with it! What
do we got? What are we saying?” All right, tell them that the
funds can’t go directly to the
Party, because they can’t go through
official auditors, so instead they have to be funneled through
an unaffiliated non-profit
organization. Tell him that! [exasperated sigh] [Speaking “Russian”] “Da! Nasdravia. Vodka. Crimea. Stalingrad!” [laughter and applause]




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