Sammy J’s Democratic Party – 5 July 2017 – ABC TV


Righto. Pretty erratic behaviour on the field from
Tony this week. Yeah. Yeah, it’s always a hard one. Tackling your own captain in the middle of
a game. It’s not great for team morale, but um, we’ll
talk about that during training. But he’s costing you too many points. Well at the moment, sure, but Tony’s a quality
player. You all know that. Every time he grabs the ball he kicks a goal. Now, my job as coach is to simply physically
turn him around 180 degrees and make sure he’s kicking the ball in the right direction. Once he nails that, we’ll be back in the winner’s
circle. I mean, there’s no “I” in Liberal. Well, there’s one “I”, but it’s winking. VOICEOVER: It’s the only party in Australia
that isn’t tearing itself to pieces. And here’s your host, Sammy J! Hello my friends. Welcome back and what a huge week it’s been
with Tony Abbott’s forces gathering and Malcolm Turnbull forced to deny that anything is wrong. And meanwhile the Greens are still the party
of protest, but now they are protesting against themselves. I mean, like you, I am just so fed up with
all this petty political infighting. I wish I could find out why our leaders do
this to themselves. Would anyone with previous experience of government
turmoil please report to the bunker? Hey Sammy. Albo! Great to see you. Thanks for coming. What a privilege. Hey, I’ve heard it was here in this building
but never had the tour. The honour’s mine. Come on in. Pull up a crappy seat. Can I offer you some muddy bore water from
the Grampians? I’ll give that a miss, mate. Now Anthony, tell me. Have you ever seen a government tear itself
apart? I have actually, and it’s not much fun. What about when it’s the other side doing
it? Well, then it’s bloody heaps of fun! Okay but seriously, how can a country function
if the leader can’t control his own party? I don’t know. I’ve never been the leader. Oh, mate. Until now. What? I’m launching a leadership challenge against
you. For control of this bunker. What? Albo! It’s time. VOICEOVER: The federation’s under pressure. High Court funding has been slashed. Our country needs a new squad to protect it
from low-level crimes against Australia’s Constitution. This is Constitutional Cops. How many times have you been to Canberra? About 22. I’ve been 27. I’m talking this year. Respect. RADIO: Attention all cars. Witness reports Caucasian male renovating
a fence north of the river. Sounds like someone’s unlawfully adjusting
an electoral boundary. You breach it, you broke it. Let’s federalise. Workin’ on your fence, are you mate? Yeah, that’s right. Making it a bit bigger, are we mate? Yeah, just trying to block out some road noise. Are you aware that under section 29 of the
Australian Constitution it’s unlawful to adjust an electoral boundary without first gaining
state approval? What? Step away from the ladder. I’ve done nothing wrong. Have you asked your neighbours’ permission? No. Well then you’re staring down the barrel of
section 29. Disagreement between households. Tear the fence down. You can’t be serious. Is that your dog? Yes. Well it’s a Commonwealth dog now. Terry! Tear the fence down! In the name of the federation! The federation’s a joke! Your face is a joke. This High Court is now in session. Section 29, you’re nicked. LONG. MAY. WE. REIGN! And shocking news just in from Parliament
House. Anthony Albanese has challenged Sammy J to
the leadership of the bunker. Our sources tell us a ballot is underway as
we speak and there should be a result any moment now. Okay, well the votes have been tallied. Uh, Albo, you did win the popular vote. Congratulations. But I won the bunker room vote. So it looks like it’s a tie here in the bunker. But there’s a third vote, Sammy. Who? This guy! Damn you, Hot Albo! It’s over, Sammy. Get out of my bunker. I got this. Okay, fine. I respect the result and I just want to say,
Albo, and to my viewers, there will be no carping, no undermining, no sniping, and no
wrecking from me. Well that’s very big of you. Thank you. Just on the way you said that Albo, you could
probably just enunciate a bit more, just straight down the blind, just as a former host I do
feel that I have some ideas that could help you make the bunker great again. Sammy, I’ll say this just once. Get out of my bunker! Okay, on the count of three, we blow up the
train and take the gold. Aye! Blow up a train? Hang on. Are we…terrorists? No, we’re bushrangers. Yeah, check out my bushranger beard, we’re… Terrorists don’t have beards? Or hide behind masks? What about all of the innocent people on that
train? We’re political rebels fighting an unjust
system that’s holding us down! Damn it, that is exactly what a terrorist
would say. Oh my god, I think we are terrorists! I know, right? Well no, terrorists are bad, but we’re good! Damn it, that is exactly what a terrorist would
say as well! I can’t do this! I can’t, I’m out. Me too. No wait, we’re not terrorists we’re bushrangers! We’re Aussie knockabout larrikins in the
bush! History will romanticise us! We can’t be
terrorists! We’re white! Hello, I’m Sammy. Sorry I’m late, I blame the traffic. Well, maybe I’ll blame the parking. I could always blame the weather. It’s fun playing the blame game, do you
want to join me? To play the blame game, all you need to do
is make a mistake, fail to accept any responsibility for your own shortcomings, and then point
your finger at someone else! Maybe mummy did a bad smell and blamed the
dog. Maybe daddy forgot to put the bins out and
blamed the refugees. Maybe mummy lost the support of the party
room and blamed daddy’s constant undermining and sniping rather than addressing her own
lack of popularity. Blaming other people is fun, and it’s also
the quickest way of getting out of trouble! Let’s give it a go: Can you play the blame game, the blame game,
the blame game Can you play the blame game, who’s to blame
today? Lee Rhiannon’s blaming Richard, Richard
, Richard Rhiannon’s blaming Richard for not taking
the lead And Richard’s blaming New South Wales, Wales
He doesn’t want to eat their watermelon seed And Malcolm’s blaming Tony, though not directly
Malcolm’s blaming Tony for causing strife And Tony’s blaming Malcolm, quite overtly
Tony’s blaming Malcolm for ruining his life Can you play the blame game, the blame game,
the blame game Can you play the blame game, who’s to blame
today? Tanya blames the Liberals, the Liberals,
the Liberals For hijacking the Gonski Boat Little Albanese blames Bill Shorten, for beating
him in the leadership vote Bill blames the Fair Work Commission, Commission,
for cutting people’s penalty rates But the people blame Bill because as Workplace
Minister, he set up the process in the first place Silly Bill. Can you play the blame game, the blame game,
the blame game Can you play the blame game, Who’s to blame
today? Jacqui Lambie blames the mainland Scomo blames an economic slump Pyne blames Bolt and Hinch blames Hanson,
who blames Muslims who blame Trump So just keep on blaming others if you want
to win this game But when there’s no-one left for shaming,
you’ve just got yourself to blame Can you play the blame game, the blame game,
the blame game Can you play the blame game, who’s to blame
today! See you next week. VOICEOVER: Party under Parliament house! Hi, and welcome back to Albo’s Democratic
Party. And I want to say to my viewers, I know it’s
been difficult down here in the bunker tonight. There’s been turmoil, there’s been bloodshed
and you deserve more. So in the interest of national unity, I’ve
always put the show first and that’s why tonight I’m announcing I’m relinquishing
the leadership of the bunker back to Sammy J. Thanks Albo! Look I know there has been a lot of conflict
upstairs, a lot of anger, but at least we have harmony down here in the bunker. We sure do. Now get the fuck out of my bunker.




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