Jeff Bezos’s Mind-Blowing Divorce Settlement | The Daily Show


Let’s take a moment to get into
business and talk about Amazon. They’re the reason
you were able to do all of your holiday
shopping without wearing pants. That shit doesn’t fly
at Best Buy. Trust me, I’ve tried. And now, Amazon is finding new
ways to keep you coming back. MAN: Amazon is sending shoppers
free samples curated to their tastes as part
of the company’s push into advertising. Axios reporting,
products free of charge that you may like are gonna
show up on your doorstep, and it’s all based
on your purchase history on the website. Okay. I like the idea, but how’s Amazon gonna send you
a sample of something? I mean,
I get how that would work with, like, food or shampoo,
but Amazon sells everything. Are they gonna send you,
like, half a TV? (laughter) The handle of a coffee mug? Just the tip of a dildo? (laughter) Be like, “If you enjoyed this
sample, you’ll love the shaft.” (laughter) But… but free samples
aren’t the biggest story about Amazon today,
because just this morning, Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s CEO,
and the winner of capitalism, announced that he and his wife
MacKenzie are getting divorced. Now we joke a lot about Amazon, but it is sad to see
any relationship not work out. Uh, thankfully,
it does sound amicable, and we wish both of them
the best, because at the end of the day,
we’re all people here. We know how it feels to go
through a tough breakout. I don’t think
there’s a joke about that, unless you are
a financial analyst at CNBC. Then there is something funny,
you know, because you watch these people
who are trying to talk about human emotions on air
for the very first time. Jeff Bezos tweets
a few moments ago that, uh, he’s getting divorced. MAN 2: Yeah. Uh, that was
somewhat surprising. Yeah. Uh, MacKenzie Bezos will become one of the richest people
in the world. Unclear what
and where her interests may lie in-in terms of, uh, that. Listen, uh,
you know, I don’t care if you’re the richest guy
in the world or not. -Getting divorced is, uh…
is never fun, I’m sure. -Yeah. You know, it’s a courageous
thing to tweet this. Uh, and it-it… it is… I don’t know what else to say
other than the fact that he didn’t need to do it. The man tweeted it.
You didn’t need to. A lot of times you kind of don’t
really kind of talk about it, kind of, you know?
I mean, kind of. I mean, you know what I mean?
Kind of. Yeah, uh, right? Yeah, uh, well, yeah, well. It’s like wow. Business Louis C.K.
over there didn’t do well with that information, uh… Yeah, emotional news
is not his strong suit. Uh… I’m glad he’s on CNBC, and not
working as a veterinarian. You know, he’d just be like,
“So, you’re cat– “he, uh, kind of, uh, you know. “Um, his-his thyroid
and then his kidney kind of… “which for felines,
I don’t know. “But anyway, here’s his ashes. You know what I mean.” (laughter, applause) For more on the Bezos divorce,
I’m joined by our financial analyst,
Desi Lydic, everybody. -(cheers and applause)
-Thank you. Desi, as, um… as awkward as CNBC’s
divorce therapists are, you can’t deny that there is
a huge financial aspect to this story. Oh yeah.
No, that’s true, Trevor. This is a huge deal. Jeff Bezos is the richest man
in the world, and under Washington State law, he has to split everything
he’s earned during their marriage, 50/50. MacKenzie Bezos will get
$66 billion. -(whooping, gasping)
-Yeah. This is the biggest transfer
of wealth since Warren Buffett
left his debit card -at a McDonald’s drive-through.
-(laughter) $66 billion. I can’t imagine
having that much money, let alone
losing that much money. Yeah, and you’re really rich,
Trevor. I mean, there was a whole week where you just paid us
to speak for you. But look,
Jeff Bezos will be fine. (laughter) Don’t worry about Jeff Bezos,
okay? He’ll be fine. He’s still gonna have
$66 billion. I mean, he’s not gonna be
one of those divorced dads eating SpaghettiOs over the sink
of his studio apartment. He’ll be eating SpaghettiOs
over the Mediterranean from the third story
of his yacht. Oh, which reminds me. This story is brought to you
by SpaghettiOs. SpaghettiOs. Divorce is hard,
but so is boiling pasta. Actually, Desi,
some of us like SpaghettiOs for the flavor and the shapes,
you know, but whatever. Uh, so you think
this divorce settlement is fair? Oh, yeah. No, definitely. A marriage is a partnership. MacKenzie Bezos spent 25 years helping her husband
grow his business. And grow his swagger.
I mean, look at that. He went
from pleated pants salesman to jacked-up arms dealer,
am I right? Yeah, it’s totally fair. Look, but that chapter
is now closed, okay? It’s over now. And this next phase is crucial. You have a wealthy person
navigating a-a painful time in their lives,
unsure about what to do next. And here’s where
I can not stress this enough. It is so important
to get married again right away. (laughter) Find some… someone blond
who will take care care of you, you know, like a…
like a city gal who also feels at home
on your private island. You know, someone
who will divorce my husband -at the drop of a hat.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, wait. Wait. Desi, Desi, come on.
This is weird. -What?
-You can’t just come on the show to pitch yourself as a spouse
for Jeff Bezos. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?! No. How dare you, Trevor! No, I am pitching myself
as a spouse for MacKenzie Bezos. -(laughter, applause, cheering)
-Look. Yeah. This woman…
this woman is beautiful. She’s an accomplished author. She studied under Toni Morrison
at Princeton. And now she’s worth $66 billion. Oh, is she? Right, yes. No. Yes.
Now she is worth $66 billion. I mean, you said
she’s the whole package. MacKenzie, call me. I can be on a plane tomorrow,
or today if you use Prime. (laughter) The future Mrs. MacKenzie
Bezos– Desi Lydic, everyone.




Comments
  1. Imagine giving obscenely rich bloodsuckers the choice between their ill-gotten gains and the guillotine. Imagine being a worker for Amazon.

  2. Billions or thousands the marriage fix is in……men no matter how much u make there is no need to marry anymore☝️😔🤳

  3. This rule in American about Splitting half/half after divorce is why guys now don't want to get married. Fuck that rule.

  4. Seriously, I have received two unsolicited packages from Amazon so far and they had nothing to do with anything I have ever purchased. One was a fancy dog harness with LED lights and I don't have a dog or have ever purchased anything dog-related.

  5. That's bull shit! she should not be able get half of his wealth. So what if the man is rich. There are lots of men out there that are not rich and still loose half their wealth. Getting married is for suckers.

  6. Trevor….Desi is hilarious. She is a keeper. You should do more skits with her. $66 BILLION…call me Mrs. Bezos…I'll be waiting patiently by the phone. JK 🤣🤣🤣🤣

  7. No left handed daps Trev 🤦‍♂️ joh you really are from the African jungle ..fell out the banana tree and wound up in the US of A

  8. This just in, the soon to be richest women in the world gets her wealth from divorcing the richest man in the world.

  9. good 4 jeff e is money smart bt nt street smart i c y they say there is a difference i hate trump bt admire him in been street smart as a gangster i was calling her a gold digger bt after seeing d whole scenario i changed who TF cheats on his wife(a good woman)with a woman older and uglier than ones wife……still wondering

  10. Both Desi Lydic and Jennifer Lawrence re-affirm my pride in being a Kentuckian. A pity M. McConnell and carpetbagger Rand Paul represent the great Commonwealth in Congress.

  11. The real reason Bezos pulled out of NYC. Losing control of half his money was significant. The National Enquirer story – Pecker- lost NYC the deal. Trump’s buddy.

  12. I am ok with her getting a cut of his money. But shit she aint worth 60billion. She will be the richest woman of the world by being that one woman who divorced with the richest guy alive. Well done feminism. You just shot yourself in the leg.

  13. a lawyer for his defense would argue an adequate apartment and enough money for bottom line utilities and however many kids can't feed themselves worth of food and if she wants to piss her life away on prescriptions she can get a job that will pay for them until I figure out how to just make everything free Jeff

  14. Her divorce settlement is criminal in my opinion. She's getting 69 billion dollars. If you made 45 million a year it would take 1,500 years to make that amount. I don't care if her vagina cured cancer, she doesn't deserve that amount of money, his ideas built the company.

  15. My life was falling apart, I was being cheated and abused, I had to know the truth and needed proof. i saw a post about a private investigator (worldcyberhackers) Through Gmail , by a friend. i contacted them and they took care of my needs. they hacked her iphone and gave me all information in all her social media account, facebook,instagram, Whatsapp,and email account. I got all I wanted as proof . I am glad i had a proven truth she was cheating . I recommend them if you need help. you can contact on whatsApp : +12678773020 or mail.

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  17. No she is exactly a freeloader . It would be wise to assassinate her before divorce. You just don't understand the scale here. Wars literally have been fought for less. And in some modern wars spending on both sides combined have amounted to less than 66 billion

  18. Jeff bezo lost half of his money and is still stinking rich mean while theres millions of kids going hungry ?? Whats wrong with the world why would would person even need all that money ? Why does life even cost money nowdays ? Civilization will be the end of it all

  19. Do u need a professional hacker, contact him on whatsapp,( +1 650 246 9893 ), to hack all messages on social media platforms on his/her phone including emails also track calls, location and spy on the texts messages for a year

  20. At the end what does she mean when she said, I can be there tomorrow or tonight if you use prime…. So if she used Prime are you going to mail yourself in a box?

  21. He owes her NOTHING. Proof that women live life on recruit difficulty. Jeff took the brunt of the work and this hoe took a cool 100b. Lmao all the richest women got their money from a man its fucking hilarious.

  22. That's one of the reasons why I won't get a marriage license through the government. 1st why do i need a marriage license to get married. Fuck off with that bs. And 2 why tf does jeff have to split everything he's earned since the marriage in half. Thats bullshit. You shouldn't have to go through a government to be married and she should have her own money and be fine with what she has. Why doesn't she have to give up anything either. Whackest shit ever. FUCK THE GOVERNMENT!

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