DeAnne Smith: Please welcome all the way from the UK, it’s Ahir Shar! Hello, hello good evening ladies and gentlemen of Melbourne. My name is Ahir Shah. It’s nice to be here among friendly faces because I’ve been a bit down recently you know, so it’s nice to be here. Normally, it’s the little things that get
me down. You know, sort of insignificant in and of themselves that ball around
one. It’s these little things. Like my own phone autocorrects my name to the word sh*t. It autocorrects Ahir to sh*t, you understand not Shar to sh*t, and you’d assume it’d be Shar to sh*t, right same 2 first letters, four letter word. It autocorrects my first name to the word sh*t. It also autocorrects my surname to the word shag. Now… *crowd laughs* When do you ever use your full name in a
text message apart from ludicrously formal situations? So the only time this ever actively impacts me in practise is when I’m like Dear Jerry, terribly sorry the rent’s going to be late again this month. Feel free to call me. Sh*t shag. *crowd laughs* I was asking my friend for some advice
before I came over here. He’s been over here loads. And he was like Ahir! You’ll love Australia and you’ll love the Australians. They’re extraordinarily welcoming, they’re extraordinarily open, they’re extraordinarily kind. They operate a gigantic offshore concentration camp. How does that fit in with the rest of your national stereotype? How are you this hostile to refugees in shorts weather? *crowd laughs* Not that I can talk. My country. What we’ve done. Brexited. Why I had to run away. We Brexited. In case any of you don’t know Brexit was basically when my country decided to
voice our collective displeasure of Polish people by throwing our wallet
into a burning bin. *crowd laughs* Risky. Let’s see if it pays off.
I recently signed up with a new doctor. When you sign up with a new doctor in the UK you have to do a little quiz about your drinking, right. They give you this questionnaire, you’ve got to give yourself marks out of three for all of these questions, tally
it up at the end to give yourself an overall score and it turned out that the
only reason that NHS did not consider me to be a dependent drinker is that in the last year, none of my friends or family have
expressed concern. *crowd laughs* It is very galling to know that the difference between you and an alcoholic is that with the alcoholic someone cares. *crowd laughs* All you can try to do is live an ethical life as best you can by your own specifications. But even that is next to impossible, you know, everything is so interconnected. You never know what to do. A little while ago I needed to buy some tea bags, so I go over to my local supermarket. And I go to buy some tea bags. And that supermarket is like a workers owned cooperative because I’m an ethical consumer like that. I go to buy these tea bags, and Typhoo tea bags are on sale cheaper than Obra. And I’m like, yes, I’ll get them. And I look at the box and it doesn’t have a
Fairtrade logo on it and I only ever buy Fairtrade tea because I’m like an ethical consumer. But it does have a rainforest alliance mark on it and I don’t know if that’s the same thing. So I get my phone out start googling is rainforest alliance the same thing as fair trade, but I’m not able to get a proper signal because I’m in this like old building, I can’t even get 4G, I can only get E whatever that means. And basically, I’m getting increasingly furious that a technological masterpiece crafted for me by Chinese slaves was not operating quickly enough to tell me if
Africans were being mistreated. *crowd laughs* There’s no sense in both groups being unhappy is there? I was using an iPhone to research workers rights. That is like being a slave holder in the 18th century going into a shop and just being like Excuse me mate, are the guys who made these whips unionised? *crowd laughs* Ladies and gentlemen it’s been a pleasure to talk to you. My name’s Ahir Shar. See you again sometime, cheers.